ADOPTION: Not a Second Place Choice

For 40 years, Crisis Pregnancy Outreach in Tulsa, OK has been providing viable alternatives to abortion. Young women from across the USA have found support in their decisions to either parent or lovingly choose adoptive parents for their baby. 

Join us as Cheryl Bauman shares how she began a ministry that has seen over 500 babies placed in the homes of adoptive parents.

Transcript

ADOPTION: Not a Second Place Choice

Ric Shields (00:00):

Welcome to the DoorWays® Ministry Network podcast. I'm so glad you joined us on this podcast. I'm Rick Shields, your host and the director of the DoorWays® Ministry Network.

(00:17):

November is recognized as National Adoption Month. It was first proclaimed by Ronald Reagan and then recognized by President Bill Clinton in 1995 and has been observed every year since then. Today I'm talking with my friend Cheryl Bauman, the founder of Crisis Pregnancy Outreach in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

(00:34):

Thank you, Cheryl, for taking time to be with me and with our listeners today.

Cheryl Bauman (00:38):

Thank you for having me. Happy to be here.

Ric Shields (00:41):

Cheryl, I was present at the meeting over 40 years ago when the plan for crisis pregnancy outreach was presented. It wasn't just an idea, and it was more than a hope or a dream. It was a concrete plan. Can you take a minute and tell us what brought about launching crisis pregnancy outreach?

Cheryl Bauman (01:00):

There were some people at Christian Chapel who were really wanting to provide a viable alternative to abortion for people in the Tulsa metro community and, and all over the country for that part. We had a pastor who was very pro-Life was addressing the evil of abortion from our pulpit, and we wanted to come alongside him and provide a ministry that would give young women an alternative to aborting their babies.

Ric Shields (01:33):

Well, 40 years of focused ministry now. That's quite a long time. Do you have any idea how many women in crisis have been helped?

Cheryl Bauman (01:42):

Really, thousands of women in crisis have been reached over the years by a variety of ways that they were impacted, and certainly over 500 babies placed for adoption in that amount of time. But sometimes young women would call us, and they just needed someone to talk to. They needed to just vent what they were feeling. Many of them were being pressured by their boyfriends to abort their babies, and if they weren't going to go along with those abortion plans, then they wouldn't have a place to live. They'd have to leave school, and their whole lives were pretty much being upended. So, a lot of them really needed to just talk it through and ask some questions of women who kind of knew the ropes of how we could help them, how other people could help them.

Ric Shields (02:40):

You say that there were often boyfriends who were pushing pregnant girlfriends to have an abortion. Did you also find that there were times when parents were also saying, “no, you need to have an abortion”, but the girl was saying, “I don't really want to do that.”

Cheryl Bauman (02:56):

It was really and truly more often parents who are pushing their daughters to have an abortion. And it was really confusing for these young women because many of those parents were people from churches where they had ministered to other people's pregnant girls and begged them not to have an abortion and to consider another alternative. But when it was their daughter, they felt strongly that abortion would be the only answer because quote, “it would ruin their ministry” end quote, or ruin their reputation or, or they would have to leave their church if they had a daughter in church that was pregnant and unmarried. So, there was a lot of, lot of conflicting feelings that young women had hearing her parents talk like that to her when she, when they had modeled a completely different way to do it to other people's, to other people's daughter.

Ric Shields (04:01):

You've never, yeah, you've never told me this before. I'd like to say that I'm surprised to hear this. Unfortunately, I'm not. But when you tell me that it happened quite often, that really concerns me quite a lot.

Cheryl Bauman (04:13):

Yeah, it concerned me quite a lot. It shocked me. I, because a number of these people I knew personally, and it was shocking to me that they were pressuring their daughters to have abortions when I knew that they would tell anyone that they were very pro-life. But that all changed when it was their own daughter. So that was very disappointing to me.

Ric Shields (04:41):

Yeah, and we saw this on our own congregation.

Cheryl Bauman (04:43):

Yes, we did.

Ric Shields (04:44):

Where, where this was again, it was being preached against and there were people, again, very supportive of what was being said. And yet, sometime later for me and earlier for you, I found that the daughters were having abortions. And it was a, that's a really sad thing.

(05:03):

Cheryl, in addition to helping expectant mother who's considering all of the options available to her, you also have families willing and waiting to adopt a child that a birth mother may feel she'll be unable to provide for. Is that correct?

Cheryl Bauman (05:19):

That is correct. And that came along very quickly. At the beginning of our ministry, there was a young woman who had come to us. She was dead set. She was not going to have the abortion that her mother wanted her to have. She was from another state, but she also felt she really wasn't equipped to parent at that point in her life, and she wanted to make an adoption plan.

(05:46):

I knew a number of people in Michigan, the state that we had lived in before we came to Oklahoma who were struggling with infertility. And I contacted several of them and asked them to send me a letter telling me a lot about themselves and about their desire to begin a family and why they were unable to have a family with those just very simple beginnings. That was how the first several adoptions took place.

(06:20):

I found an attorney in Tulsa who was a real blessing, and he agreed to facilitate those adoptions. In Oklahoma, private adoptions are legal. In many states, they are what we call agency states. And in order for adoption to be legal, you have to go through an agency. So, I spent one whole summer with about a four inch stack of papers applying to the Department of Human Services to become a licensed adoption agency. And we did become licensed.

(06:56):

And from then on we did, you know what for lack of a better word, I would call agency adoptions. And we became well-known really quickly. We were the very first agency in Oklahoma to do open adoptions, and all of our adoptions were open from the beginning.

Ric Shields (07:16):

These expectant mothers, where do they come from or are they from the Tulsa metro area?

Cheryl Bauman (07:22):

Most of them now, I would say the majority come just from the Tulsa metro area or around Oklahoma. But in those early days, many of the girls came to us from some of the northern states, well, really from states all over the United States, especially when they heard we were Christians and we only placed with Christian born again Christian families, and that our adoptions were completely open and that we weren't charging crazy amounts of money to adoptive families and so on. And we were very transparent. Whatever they wanted to know about what we did, of course, we showed them our books, and I was the executive director for over 40 years, and I didn't ever take a salary.

Ric Shields (08:18):

Yeah, you were never paid

Cheryl Bauman (08:19):

No. And so they knew that no one was, you know, benefiting from placing their child for adoption. And that was really important to these girls. They could have placed their babies in the state they lived in, but many of them knew that the directors of those agencies were making huge amounts of money, and that just didn't sit right with him. So, we did have girls come from all over.

(08:48):

The man who was in charge of the social work at City of Faith at that time, Mr. Brose, a wonderful, wonderful Christian man, he and I became quite good friends because he would call me and say, “Cheryl, there's another girl at Tulsa International Airport. Could you go pick her up?” And we had begun to form a network of people from Christian Chapel and from other churches in the Tulsa metro area who were willing to open their home to a girl where she could come and stay with them for whatever remained of her pregnancy.

(09:26):

And for six to eight weeks afterwards, after the baby was born. And so, I would call one of them on my way to the airport and say, “Well, I've got a girl with a needs a place to stay.” And then I would pick her up. And a lot of times she would just come with the clothes that she had on, and we'd make a stop and buy her some maternity clothing and underwear and personal care items and so on. And then I would take her to the house of a family where she was going to stay.

Ric Shields (10:00):

Cheryl, I know that early on, especially that the expenses related to many of these things, were born directly by your family. Tens of thousands of dollars were provided to make certain that this program was viable, that girls had a way to get here, had a place to stay, had a way for the baby to be adopted. And your family sacrificed quite a lot to make certain that these girls had this option available. And I think it's fair to say on the backside of that, that God has provided exponentially to you and to your family because of the sacrifices that you made.

(10:38):

Cheryl, how about the potential adoptive parents? Where do they come from? Do they have to live in Tulsa and their surrounding area?

Cheryl Bauman (10:45):

No, they can, as long as they're US citizens. We have even placed babies with missionary families who lived in other countries and military families who were stationed in other countries. So as long as they are US citizens, they can adopt through CPO.

Ric Shields (11:04):

Our extended family has been blessed with an adoption from Crisis Pregnancy Outreach. Parents lived in Colorado, and they came and, and stayed with us in the process of this baby being born. And then also of those few weeks afterwards, until the adoption was completed, and they were okay to, or, or maybe the adoption wasn't completed, but until it was, what's the right word?

Cheryl Bauman (11:27):

Until the interstate compact had been satisfied.

Ric Shields (11:31):

And then, then they were able to go on. But that's been several years ago for us. And we love that guy that is part of our family and so grateful that, that we were able to, to be a part of crisis pregnancy in that way.

(11:44):

Let me take a moment, Cheryl, to remind our listeners that we appreciate their feedback. Let us know if we are providing the kind of content that's helpful to you by dropping me an email at info@doorways dot cc. And if you have an idea for a guest or for a topic, let me know and we'll work in incorporating that topic or guest into our podcast schedule.

(12:01):

You're listening to the DoorWays® Ministry Network podcast. My name is Rick Shields and I'm joined on this episode with Cheryl Bauman, the founder of Crisis Pregnancy Outreach in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The ministry, which she and a host of volunteers have built over the years, has seen over 500 newborn babies adopted since 1983.

(12:22):

Cheryl, do you require or pressure those expected mothers who come to crisis pregnancy outreach to place their babies up for adoption?

Cheryl Bauman (12:31):

Never. Never. If they call us and say they want to make an adoption plan, we tell them that we'll be happy to help them with that. But if they decide to parent, we are equally happy to help them with that. And we do have a large parenting network and girls are able to take parenting classes and be part of a parenting support group and so on as well.

Ric Shields (12:55):

Have any idea how many of those girls have chosen to keep their babies with the support of CPO?

Cheryl Bauman (13:01):

Hundreds. Large.

Ric Shields (13:02):

That's just fascinating.

Cheryl Bauman (13:03):

Large quantities of women are parenting.

Ric Shields (13:08):

Most of these women were really looking for support, looking for help. And so, by being able to provide that option, that's the primary option. Number one, I think, is that these moms keep their kids and, and parent them because it is not Crisis Pregnancy and Adoption, it's the Crisis Pregnancy Outreach.

Cheryl Bauman (13:28):

That's right.

Ric Shields (13:28):

And to give these girls an opportunity to make this choice is also pretty interesting.

(13:34):

I understand that Crisis Pregnancy Outreach embraces the practice of open adoptions. You've mentioned that just earlier. What is an open adoption and what are the alternatives to open adoption?

Cheryl Bauman (13:45):

Today, I would say that open adoptions mean the full disclosure of information. The birth mother knows the family's name and their address, which really in this day and age, you can find anybody's address in about five minutes or less. So, the thought of closed adoption where people didn't know where birth mothers lived, or didn't know where adoptive families lived, would be kind of a myth now. But back in the day, closed adoptions were those where there was no exchange of information. Maybe the birth mom met the adoptive family one time, maybe the birth mother got a couple of letters a year with a little update on the child.

(14:36):

And from the beginning, I didn't feel like that was appropriate or enough. I really believe that God can't shine his light on our secrets. And secrets just aren't healthy.

(14:48):

And I had, I had done some work at Shadow Mountain Institute with teenagers, and I knew that a really large percentage of kids who were there were adopted. And why were they there? They were there because of their adoption issues. They were kids from closed adoptions, and they spent a whole lot of their time and emotional energy fantasizing about their birth families. And nobody should have to live like that. These kids were messed up because of lies they had been told. Some of them had been told that they were adopted. Not all of them had even been told that they were adopted. They didn't know anything about their birth families.

(15:37):

So, I knew that it didn't work. It just doesn't work to, to tell lies I have in all of the years of placing babies and doing completely open adoptions, I've never had a bad situation happen.

(15:53):

People are like, “Oh, well then won't the mother come and want to take her baby back?” Well, she can't. I mean, legally, she goes before a judge within the first couple of weeks and makes her consent, and the judge asks her, “Has anybody pressured you? Is anybody coercing you? Has anybody offered you money to place your baby?” All of these things. And she goes, no, this is something I have decided to do. A birth mother cannot come back and take her baby unless someone has lied to her and or promised her a car or a large quantity of money, or, you know, who knows what.

(16:34):

But those are not things that people need to be worried about in an open adoption. And what people do have in open adoptions is the answers to all the questions that their child will have growing up. And kids just want to know. They're like the rest of us. They just want the answers. They want to know what their birth mother was good at, what their birth father excelled in in sports, just all those questions. And all these kids, if their parents don't know, all they have to do is pick up the phone and call the birth mother or birth father and ask the question. And it's just so healthy to have all of that information.

Ric Shields (17:15):

What are some of the unique challenges that adopted children encounter?

Cheryl Bauman (17:18):

Just not knowing. I have six adopted grandchildren. Two that were adopted from Ecuador, two that were adopted from the Congo in Africa, and two that were adopted from crisis pregnancy outreach. Even my little grandson here in Tulsa sometimes has said to me, his birth father is from Sri Lanka. And so, he has darker skin. His skin is really quite dark. And he has said to me, I wish that my skin was white, like your skin is. And I always say, oh, buddy, I'd give anything to have the color of skin that you have. And I really mean it. But he just wishes that he looked like the rest of us. And I'm sure that there are oftentimes kiddos that just wish they looked like their adoptive family.

(18:10):

So, I think that's one problem that sometimes they face. Sometimes they just have that longing to know that their identity is firmly rooted with these people. It won't ever be fully rooted with their adoptive family. I mean, that just isn't going to happen. The truth is, they have two families. They have a birth family, and they have an adopted family.

(18:39):

So, you know, I think adopted people just always have that little struggle. And then there's always that possible feeling of rejection. My birth mother made an adoption plan for me, and we always encourage that kind of verbiage, but what adopted kids often say is, my birth mom just didn't want me. Believe me, that has never been the truth.

(19:08):

I have worked with so many girls, and I've never met a girl who didn't want her child, but I've met hundreds of girls who just weren't in a position to be a mother at that point in their life. But kids need to hear their birth mother say that, I loved you so much, and I wish that I could have kept you, but I just couldn't. I was only 14 or 16 or whatever it was. I needed to go to school. I needed to do this. I just wasn't able to keep you. I wish that I could have. But now we have a relationship and that's great. But they need to hear those things from their birth mother, not just from their adoptive family.

Ric Shields (19:52):

What resources are available for those who would like to consider adoption?

Cheryl Bauman (19:56):

Well, one thing they can always do is to go to the CPO website, and that is crisis pregnancy outreach, all spelled out.org (crisispregnancyoutreach.org). And there is a lot of good information on that website about adoption. And of course, you can certainly go to the Amazon site and check on books about adoption if you're just looking to find out the, you know, how to’s of adoption. Also, every year, at least once and sometimes twice a year, CPO has a Waiting Families Workshop, which is a three day seminar that families can come to learn more about adoption. There are birth moms who come and speak, adoptive families who speak, our attorney speaks. It's just a lot of information that helps people to better be in a position to make the decision about adoption.

Ric Shields (21:03):

We've been financial supporters of CPO now for several years and I want to encourage others that you too have the opportunity to impact the life of both a young woman who is an expectant mother but doesn't feel she's capable at this time to raise that child. So, you're helping her and you're also helping those adoptive parents who have been looking for a child that they want to help complete their family. And you can do that.

(21:32):

Your support is appreciated and needed. And again, you can go to crisis pregnancy outreach.org and set up an online donation on a regular basis.

(21:44):

Cheryl, as we draw our time to close, I wonder if you have any special words of encouragement you'd like to share with our listeners as it relates to adoption? And then if you'd be so kind, would you pray for those adoptive parents who are facing challenges and need guidance for the days ahead?

Cheryl Bauman (21:57):

I think it is so important to remember that creating your family through adoption is not a second class way to create a family. It's just a different way. Some people have biological children, and some people are blessed by the gift of adoption, and some families have both. And all of my children who have adopted children also have biological children. And there is no difference in how you feel about biological and adopted children or grandchildren.

(22:31):

And I just really encourage people to stretch their tents a little wider when praying about how to create a family. And there are millions of people struggling with infertility in our country, and adoption is certainly no second class way to create that family.

(22:53):

Father God, we thank you for the gift of adoption. I thank you that you adopted us into your family. I know that you love adoption because you have adopted us.

(23:07):

Father God, I just ask that you would put your arms around these adopted families, give them strength, give them wisdom, and give them strong relationships with the families who created their children. I ask that they would be so bonded to the birth families that they would have the answers that their children that they're raising are looking for. Please just help them to apply your light to the situations that arise with these very special kiddos. Just bless them and draw them closer to you and remind them every day that you adopted them. We ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.

Ric Shields (23:59):

I'd like to say thanks again for listening, and I hope you found this podcast to be helpful for you, for a friend, or for someone you love. Please feel free to share it with others. If you'd like for someone to pray for you, drop me a note at info@DoorWays dot cc. I'll pray for you, and I'll share your note with others who will pray and believe for God to work on your behalf.

(24:20):

Until next time, I hope you'll sense the presence of the Father, the love of Jesus, and the grace of the Holy Spirit in your heart, your home, and in your spheres of relationship and influence in the days ahead. Amen.