My Crisis Was Their Answered Prayer

In this podcast, host Ric Shields interviews Teri Brown about her experience as a birth mother who chose adoption for her child. Teri shares her story of becoming pregnant at 19, during a time of personal upheaval and crisis.

Despite pressure from her family and boyfriend to have an abortion, Teri decided to carry her baby to term and place him for adoption. She was connected with the Crisis Pregnancy Outreach (CPO) in Tulsa, Oklahoma, which helped her find a loving adoptive family for her son.

Teri emphasizes the importance of open adoption, which allowed her to maintain contact with her son's adoptive family. Despite some challenges and periods of silence, Teri has never regretted her decision and encourages others facing unplanned pregnancies to consider adoption.

Transcript

Ric Shields (00:00):

Welcome to the DoorWays® Ministry Network podcast.

(00:10):

I'm so glad you've joined us on this podcast. I'm Ric Shields, your host and the director of the DoorWays® Ministry Network. 

It was a 1984 that President Ronald Reagan proclaimed National Adoption Week, and it was expanded to National Adoption Month by President Bill Clinton. Today I'm happy to be talking with my friend Teri Brown, about her experience as a birth mother who chose Adoption for Child. Thanks so much for having the courage and the grace to talk with me today.

Teri Brown (00:38):

Thank you for having me.

Ric Shields (00:40):

Teri, I first met you when you came to Tulsa. I don't even know what year that would have been. When was it?

Teri Brown (00:45):

1984.

Ric Shields (00:46):

1984.

Teri Brown (00:49):

I know, right.

Ric Shields (00:50):

Wow. It's been a while back. That's when you became associated with Crisis Pregnancy Outreach, or for the purposes of the rest of the show, we're just going to refer to it as CPO. 

I'd like you to think back with me just a few months earlier than when you first arrived in Tulsa and when you first realized you're expecting a baby. How old were you at the time and what was it like to realize you were facing an unexpected crisis pregnancy?

Teri Brown (01:17):

Well, I was 19, and that time of my life was a time of terrible upheaval because the year before my parents had divorced and it, and it was a very fearful, very bad situation. It was almost like all of these bad things had been happening, and then this was like one more bad thing that had happened. And I say it like, “it just happened,” you know, through no fault of my own. But the truth is, I’d been raised in the church, had lived a very sincere Christian life, and when everything fell apart with my family, I held God responsible for all the bad things that happened. And I rejected my faith for a period of time and got pregnant right away. I mean, right away. And I was so angry about that. I was so angry. I felt like it was just one more cruel joke that was being played on me. And in the beginning, all I could see was panic and chaos and fear that it's, the enormity of it seemed completely overwhelming at the time.

Ric Shields (02:19):

This had to take some time for you to grasp the reality of the situation. So, were you in a supportive environment, where you could keep the baby if you thought you'd be able to or not?

Teri Brown (02:30):

No. Of course, my boyfriend's initial response and continued response was, “Just take care of it. Just take care of it. This, it's not a big deal. Just take care of it.” I was so ashamed, you know, especially having grown up in a Christian home, even with everything that went bad. And my family, you know, I was at church every Sunday. We went to a Christian school, and I was so ashamed to have been kind of caught in my sin like this that I dreaded telling anyone else.

(02:55):

So, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom. And my mom said, “This will ruin your life. You have to take care of it. You have to get rid of it.” And by the time I told her, I'd already known I was pregnant for a little bit. And to be fair to my mom, we had all just been through a lot and we still weren't safe yet.

(03:13):

There was still a lot of residual things going on where we were very fearful for our safety. And from her perspective, I think she just couldn't take one more thing. And in her mind, it seemed like this was the one thing we could take care of, and it would go away. And so, she was overwhelmed, but at the same time, I still had to walk this road and I was just desperate for help.

(03:38):

A year earlier, I had family in another state that had told me that their home would always be open to me. They felt terrible about what had gone on in my family. And they said, you know, if you ever need a place to stay, our home is open to you. So, when my mom was telling me, you know, she just wouldn't budge off of that. Like, you have to get an abortion. I contacted these other family members and I said, “You know, I'm in trouble. I need help. You know, I thought I could come out and stay with you guys.” And they said, “If you have an abortion, we think it's a good idea for you to come out here and stay and just recuperate as long as you need. But if you go through the pregnancy, you'll need to find someplace else to stay.” And so, I was...

Ric Shields (04:13):

No matter where you turned, you had a brick wall in front of you.

Teri Brown (04:17):

People say it's about choice, and that's not the way you're made to feel when you're in it. You, you're just told over and over and over again. You have no choice. You have no choice. You have, you have to get rid of it. You have no choice. Yeah. I was overwhelmed by the utter aloneness that I felt. 

And at this time, I was still rejecting Christ, rejecting God's grace because I was so angry at him. Just my lack of perspective of what was going on. I was still so angry. I believed that even God was separate from me at that time. That's what I believed. And it was a devastating time of aloneness.

Ric Shields (04:52):

Again, I met you through CPO in Tulsa. So how did you come to find out about that organization?

Teri Brown (04:57):

Well, with the way everything went with my family, I really was desperate for help. And when I felt like there was no hope to get any, I made an appointment to have an abortion. I hated it. I hated myself for it. I just, I could see nothing but grief and harm from this decision.

(05:17):

And the night before I was supposed to go to my appointment, I called a friend of mine who was living in Oklahoma at the time, and I told her my situation and I'm like, “You know, I like, I want do the right thing, but I can't do it by myself and nobody will help me.” And she said, “Listen, you don't go to your appointment tomorrow and I promise you tomorrow you'll have help.” And it was like midnight. I went to bed that night and it was the first little spark of hope that I saw.

(05:44):

I didn't even know what it was yet. Right. I just knew my friend promised me, she said, “I know there's help here. You'll have help tomorrow.”

(05:50):

And the next morning I got up, like I got up, I put the phone in my lap, and I sat there by my bed. Remember in the day when the phone was attached to the wall? <Laugh> I didn't want to walk away from the phone because I was afraid I'd miss it. So, I held the phone on my lap, and I waited for it to ring. And when the phone rang, it was Cheryl Bauman with Crisis Pregnancy Outreach.

Ric Shields (06:09):

Oh my gosh. That's yeah, pretty cool. Teri, I didn't know this part of the story. How did they respond to you? I mean, was the response more or less than you imagined it would be? How did that go?

Teri Brown (06:19):

It was so much more than I imagined. I answered the phone and, and she said, “I need to speak with Teri.” And I said, “This is Teri.” And she said, “Now I understand you need some help.” And I just like, I just burst into tears. I'm like, “I need a lot of help. Like, I'm going to need a place to stay. And, and, and I don't have maternity clothes and I don't really have any money. And I'm like, I just, I just need help.” And she's like, “We can help you. We can help you. When do you think you'll be coming?” And I said, “I'll turn my two week notice today. I'll be there in two weeks.” And she was like, “Oh, oh, that's soon. Okay. Okay.” <Laugh>.

(06:52):

She arranged for me to stay with Ben and Rochelle Platter in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Just this lovely young couple opened their home to me. And at the time I was going to Christian Chapel, and Richard Exley used to say, talk about how we need it to be God with skin on to the world around us. Like, how is the world going to see God if they don't see God through us? And I felt like Ben and Rochelle and so many people at Crisis Pregnancy Outreach and Christian Chapel did their very best to show me God with skin on. And, and it changed my life.

Ric Shields (07:26):

Why did you make an adoption plan for your child?

Teri Brown (07:29):

So, when it, when the reality of the pregnancy really hit me, and, and I realized this is a thing. I'm, I'm going to give birth to a child, not a baby. I'm giving birth to a child that's going to live a long time. I'm really thankful for two things. Number one, I understood the stretch of time. Like I didn't think of it like, “Oh, oh, the little baby I can hold and dress up.” Like I understood, this is a person who's going to live a long time. And the other thing I understood was I feel like the Lord gave me a vision of self-awareness. I saw how very broken, how angry and bitter I was. I had spent a good part of my childhood in a somewhat abusive household that became more and more abusive as the years went on. And it occurred to me that if I kept him, like, what if I were like my parents?

(08:19):

What if my son ended up with an upbringing like me because I kept him instead of giving him another chance? Plus, there was a period of time in my life between like, when I don't know, I guess somewhere around three, but until I was eight. My mom remarried when I was eight. And I remember some of those early years, especially like 6, 7, 8, when my mom was working two jobs. And I'd wake up with the babysitter and go to bed with the babysitter. And I felt like I didn't even, I didn't even know my mom, right? She was just kind of there in pockets of time.

(08:49):

But I spent a large part of my early years being raised by babysitters. And some of them were great, and some of them were not great at all. And I just, that is not what I wanted for my son.

(09:01):

I wanted him to have a stable family from the very beginning. I, I don't know the words to express the level of desperation. I was so desperate. Like, he is going to have a different kind of life. He's going to have a mom and a dad who love each other. He's going to have a mom and a dad who treasure him from the very beginning and know, like, I don't mean to throw shade to my mom. Like she was a single mom working two jobs. She did what she had to do, and I honor her for that. But if I had a chance to give my son something different and that I was desperate, desperate, desperate to do that. And it mattered to me that I knew it.

(09:40):

Like when I was in Minnesota, I researched, I went and met with people about what it would look like to make an adoption plan up there. And the adoption laws at the time were just, I mean, abusive. I don't know any, any other way to describe it. There was no safety or security for the baby for an extended length of time. They weren't put with their adoptive parents until they were probably at least a year old. They had a startup in foster. The way the adoption laws were at the time, the baby would go through two foster homes before it could go with adoptive parents.

(10:08):

And I'm like, “No, I'm the, I'm the mom and I'm telling you, you, we find the adoptive parents now and they're in the hotel when the baby's born.” And they're like, “Nope, you don't, you don't get a say in this.” And so it was really important for me to have an adoption plan for my son, but then to know that he would be with the adoptive parents from the beginning, parents that loved each other and that loved him, and that he would have that stable family environment that, that I had missed out on.

Ric Shields (10:34):

Teri, let me take a moment to remind our listeners that we appreciate their feedback. Let us know if we're providing the kind of content that's helpful to you by dropping me an email at info@DoorWays dot cc. And if you have an idea for a guest or a topic, let me know and we'll work in incorporating that topic or that guest into our podcast schedule.

(10:52):

You're listening to the DoorWays® Ministry Network podcast. My name is Ric Shields. The month of November is national adoption month. We're focusing on adoption, some of the various opportunities and issues related to that this month.

(11:04):

I'm joined on this episode with Teri Brown. She was just a teenager, 19 years old, when she realized she was facing an unplanned pregnancy and made an adoption plan for her soon-to-be-born son with Crisis Pregnancy Outreach in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Crisis Pregnancy Outreach, or CPO, embraces open adoptions.

(11:23):

So, Teri, was that important in your choosing and to place your baby for adoption with them?

Teri Brown (11:28):

Yes. It was very important because like I said, I had this realization of the span of time, right? And so, I knew whatever I did at the birth I was going to have to live with, like, for the rest of my life. And I could see that. I could see, alright, how am I going to go on once I do this? How am I going to go on? And the only way I could see for that to be possible was further to be at least some degree of openness in the adoption. I didn’t want to feel like I was dropping him down a black hole and just kind of hoping everything worked out. Like I, I wanted to know, I wanted to know that, that everything was okay and that he was where he wanted to be. So having at least a certain amount of openness was critical for me at that time.

Ric Shields (12:08):

Things don't always go as we hope or plan. Was your open adoption all that you hoped it would be?

Teri Brown (12:14):

You know, it wasn't, and there were a couple of reasons. First of all, it was so new at the time. I mean, it was 1985 when he was born, literally unheard of. Cheryl Bauman was really kind of breaking the mold and starting something new. What she understood was because she loved birth mothers and was like her heart was to help birth mothers. She knew that for them to be able to move on with kind of peace of mind and comfort of heart, that they needed to be able to go on with their lives, they had to have some kind of openness between themselves and the adoptive family.

(12:48):

And you know, when you think about it, like in scripture, when Hannah gave her son to the Lord, she knew where he was, right? And even when Moses' mother put him in the river to save his life, Moses' mother ended up knowing where he was and being able to help in his upbringing.

(13:03):

I knew I was going to have to live with it for the rest of my life. And I didn't think I could do it all of it was unknown, I'd be too fearful if I didn't have some kind of assurance and knowledge of where he was.

(13:16):

And so, initially, as soon as I picked them and I got to pick them, and I was about six months along, six or seven months along. As soon as I picked them, they called me every week. And I spoke on the phone with them every Sunday night. Ben and Rochelle and I would get home from church on Sunday night, and the phone would ring, and it would be the adoptive couple. And the thing that was so precious about that is they had had a long struggle with infertility and there'd been surgeries and, and all these things.

(13:43):

And I can't tell you how healing it was for my heart to hear them talk about like, just how badly they had wanted to grow their family and everything that they had been through, you know, only to have nothing work. And their heart broken over and over and over again. And then to tell me just like how thankful they were for me that I was the answer to their prayers. That, that God had picked me to be a blessing to them.

(14:06):

And it, I mean, I just can't even tell you. I went from being bitter and angry and resentful to like understanding that even when we make the biggest mistakes in our lives, like the thing Satan wants to use to destroy us, that's the thing that God's going to use to rewrite our story. And to, and to bless other people.

(14:25):

After he was born, the mother was in the hospital by the next morning (he was born 11:30 at night). They lived in another state. She was in the hospital by the next morning. And then the father was in the hospital, I think within a day. And he was with them from that time on.

(14:44):

They had their own hospital room, he was with them. He came into my room so I could hold him and spend some time with him. But the whole time both of us were in the hospital I spoke to them probably at least twice a day. And, I'm telling you like, picture this for the birth mother, right? Like, I know in just a day or two I'm going to be saying goodbye and I'm not going to be seeing him again. But to have the adoptive parents calling me and the mother just like weeping and she's like, he's so beautiful, he's so beautiful. I just, I just can't, it's just, he's so beautiful.

(15:13):

And, like to, for me as the birth mother, to hear the words of gratefulness, it, it was worth more than any kind of, you know, assurances like an adoption agency saying, “Oh no, we'll do a good job. We'll pick a good family.” That doesn't mean, that doesn't mean anything. But hearing the adoptive family themselves say, “Oh my gosh, we love him so much. He's beautiful. We're so thankful. We're so thankful.” It was, it, I it's unspeakable like just how much comfort that gave me.

(15:41):

And as time went on, the plan was we would stay in touch as time went on. And that at least once or twice a year, they would write CPO send some more pictures and I would have this ongoing peace of mind. But after about a year, the letters and pictures just stopped. And that was the part of the adoption that didn't go like I had hoped, is the longer I waited in silence, the more I began to worry, you know, what if something's wrong and they don't want tell me what if, like, I couldn't imagine how we could have been communicating and then the communication had stopped. So that was, that was really hard. That was the part that didn't go like I had hoped.

Ric Shields (16:20):

You told me earlier that the parents may have received some bad counsel, some bad advice from their pastor that recommended them to cut off all the contact. That had to be heartbreaking.

Teri Brown (16:35):

Yes. When I learned that though, it actually was a comfort to me to realize, because it feels very personal. When I realized that they hadn't rejected me, they had just gotten bad counsel. It made me feel a lot better about why they had been silent for so many years when I realized that they weren't just rejecting me and nothing terrible happened that they didn't want tell me it wasn't either extreme that they had, they had sought counsel and wanted to do the right thing and just had gotten really bad counsel. And I think it kind of goes to show open adoptions were still really new and there was just a lot of fearfulness.

Ric Shields (17:13):

Teri, you later married, how many years later after that baby was born? you met your husband Randy, who by the way, let me put a plug for his book called, "First," by Randy Brown. You can buy it on Amazon. It's a fiction, future fiction, A little bit of science, not really science fiction, but he's a great writer. And a great book. You should get that on Amazon: "First," by Randy Brown.

(17:38):

So how long after the baby was born until you and Randy married?

Teri Brown (17:43):

About seven years.

Ric Shields (17:44):

And you all have children of your own, correct?

Teri Brown (17:47):

Yes, yes.

Ric Shields (17:47):

How, how many kids do you have?

Teri Brown (17:47):

We have four kids.

Ric Shields (17:49):

So, has there ever been a time when you regretted placing your son for adoption and do you recommend adoption?

Teri Brown (17:56):

There has never been a time, never even when the grief was the worst. Even when, you know, when there was silence and I didn't, I just couldn't imagine. Like I, I was dealing with just not the loss of my son, but the loss of the adoptive family that had been so loving towards me no matter where I was in my adoption journey. I've never, ever regretted making adoption plan for my son. I was so convinced that it was the right thing for him. That I've never, I've never regretted it and I do recommend it.

(18:26):

I think it's sad that there's so many misconceptions about what's available regarding adoption. When I was a volunteer with CPO, I know that there were, there were girls that would say, “Oh, I would, I wouldn't adopt my child. I would never let someone take my baby from me.”

(18:41):

Like, well, nobody takes your baby from you. That's not what, that's not what happened. It's like they think of some worst case scenario they've seen on TV and they think that's what it looks like. And I really, I think every young woman who's facing an unplanned pregnancy, if you don't have the support that you feel like you would need or you're not in the season of life at this time, that you, where you feel like, you know, you're not ready to parent and stuff. I just think a lot more people should be open to considering the idea of adoption. I recommend open adoption wholeheartedly. It's a very different thing than it used to be.

(19:19):

I had a friend in high school, she was adopted. She was the one in Oklahoma who told me about CPO, but she was adopted, and her adoption was completely closed. And I'm telling you this, even though my adoption was only partially open, it's a world of difference from how adoptions used to be handled. And I really do, I recommend that anyone who finds themself in that position at least find out what your options are. You know, you're going to have people coming out of the woodwork to tell you to get an abortion. Like, take a minute and consider adoption instead of just, you know, there, there really is this third option that we really don't see in our culture very often.

Ric Shields (19:54):

Teri, as we draw our time to a close, I wonder if you have any special words of encouragement you'd like to share with our listeners as it relates to adoption. If you would please pray for those birth parents who have experienced heartbreak or disappointment, and they need guidance for the days ahead.

Teri Brown (20:09):

I think I would like to say as far as a word of encouragement, I think a lot of times, especially when young girls in the church find themselves facing an unexpected pregnancy, you know, the first thing we feel is shame and fear. I think a lot of young women can be tempted by abortion because they're ashamed for them to be kind of found out like that. And so, I just want to encourage anyone who might be listening, even Christian parents who feel the pressure to hide these situations when they come up in their own family. Like we have to remember, Christ is gracious. I've been forgiven of my sins. We've, if we're a follower of Christ, he has forgiveness us of our sins, and there is nothing that surprises him or is too far for him, he's not ashamed, right? He's not ashamed.

(20:57):

So, I just want to encourage your listeners, trust Jesus enough that even when something goes, seems to go so wrong, that you're afraid to bring it up, just walk forward in faith with the body of Christ, you'll find so much more grace than I think you're expecting. And plus, that's, you know, in the Psalm it says in Psalm 119, a couple of times, “When I was afflicted, I turned my heart towards you. When I was afflicted, I turned my feet towards you.” And a lot of times, these crises in our life like the Lord, he's not mad, disappointed and ashamed. He's like standing there with open arms reminding us to turn our hearts towards him. I thought I was alone when I was angry and bitter and accusing God. And I look back now, and he was so gracious just waiting for me to see him standing there with open arms.

(21:43):

And I've been grateful ever since for how he loved me when I was at my worst. So don't be afraid to lean into the Lord because he loves you, and don't be so sure that others in the body of Christ will judge. I think people will find a lot more grace than you're expecting.

(22:00):

But yes, I would love to pray for birth parents that might be experiencing this now.

Holy Father, I just lift these families up to you, Lord. And I know now it's not just the young women, it's their parents, their families, all the people that are, that are involved, boyfriends.

(22:15):

And Lord, I, first of all, like I was saying, your word says, “When I was afflicted, I turned my heart towards you.” So, I pray for every single family, Lord, that this crisis, whether they've known you before or not, that this crisis, that they would seek you, they would turn to you with their whole hearts, Lord Jesus. You would reveal yourself to them and all of your love and your grace and your mercy.

(22:37):

Lord, I pray for these, these young women who in the moment might be seen only chaos and fear and shame. And Lord, I pray that you would give them hope, give them hope that this moment, these months don't define the whole rest of their lives. It's a purative time, Lord Jesus, in which you will walk through this crisis pregnancy with them.

(22:58):

So, Lord, I pray that they turn their hearts towards you, Lord Jesus, and you reveal yourself. Lord, I pray for every person who might hear this or every family member who might hear this Lord, where they're experiencing this. God, I pray that they would find the right resources, Lord, if you're, if you are moving them towards an adoption, Lord Jesus, I pray that they would find the right resources for an open adoption, that they can make the decisions they need to and still be able to move on with the comfort of heart and peace of mind that they need.

(23:26):

I thank you, Jesus, that children are a gift from the Lord. They're precious in your sight. I just pray for your continued grace and mercy in the lives of these families who are facing this now and pray that you continue to, to reveal your will and your purpose in their lives, in your precious name, Amen.

Ric Shields (23:46):

I'd like to say thanks again for listening, and I hope you found this podcast to be helpful for you, for a friend, or for someone you love. Please feel free to share it with others. If you'd like for someone to pray for you, drop me a note at Info@DoorWays.cc. I'll pray for you, and I'll share your note with others who will pray and believe for God to work on your behalf.

(24:09):

Until next time, I hope you'll sense the presence of the Father, the love of Jesus, and the grace of the Holy Spirit in your heart, your home, and in your spheres of relationship and influence in the days ahead. Amen.