Challenges and Joys

In this episode of the DoorWays® Ministry Network podcast, host Ric Shields interviews Matt and Michelle Makela, the parents of four adopted children. The Makelas discuss their journey to adoption, which began when they discovered they were unable to have children naturally. They share their experiences with both open and closed adoptions, and the unique challenges and joys that come with adopting older children. Despite the difficulties, the Makelas affirm that they would choose adoption again and encourage others considering it to seek information and support.

Transcript

Ric Shields (00:00):

Welcome to the DoorWays Ministry Network podcast.

(00:11):

I'm so glad you've joined us on this podcast. I am Ric Shields, your host, and the director of the DoorWays Ministry Network. It was in 1984 that President Ronald Reagan proclaimed National Adoption Week later expanded to National Adoption month by President Bill Clinton in 1995. And this month our episodes are focusing on that important topic. Today I'm talking with my friends Matt and Michelle Makela, the parents of four adopted children. Allow me to give a plug here for Matt's daily devotional, a cup of coffee with Jesus on his Facebook page to get there. That's Matt Makela, spelled M-A-K-E-L-A, or on his YouTube channel, A Cup of Coffee with Jesus. So Matt, Michelle, thank you for joining me today.

Matt Makela (00:55):

That's our pleasure to join you, Ric.

Michelle Makela (00:57):

Absolutely. Thank you. We love adoption.

Ric Shields (01:00):

Well, as I mentioned a moment ago, you two have adopted four children. So why did you adopt?

Michelle Makela (01:08):

Well, actually we were, we were picked, yes, <laugh> when I was about 10 years old. I was at a naturalization ceremony for with my elementary school and there was a Korean girl being naturalized, and the Lord told me at that time I would have a Chinese daughter, not a Korean, but a Chinese daughter. So that was always somewhere in the back of our mind. And when we discovered we were not able to have children, adoption chose us. And we literally had Hannah, our oldest, fall into our lap. Really, that was the beginning of the journey. Yes.

Ric Shields (01:45):

Is Hannah the Chinese one?

Matt Makela (01:47):

No,

Michelle Makela (01:48):

No. Hannah is just a beautiful Caucasian. I met her birth mother, and her birth mother asked me to adopt her daughter <laugh> or her baby at the time.

Ric Shields (01:58):

Isn't that amazing? Considering adoption and pursuing adoption, or even in your case believing adoption was in your future, those are all entirely different things. What caused you to decide? Okay, adoption is for us. Giddy up. Let's go.

Matt Makela (02:15):

Well, I can speak from my standpoint on this is when, when Michelle and I were, we had gone through all kinds of fertility checks. They really couldn't find a reason why we didn't have our own natural children. There was never anything that said, well, you have this thing. The one doctor actually said, you know, sometimes it just doesn't work between people. And Michelle had mentioned adoption a few times. We'd went to a couple of different adoption seminars and we were on board with that. We thought, well, this might be a thing for the Macala family.

(02:49):

And then <laugh>, when Hannah's birth mom asked Michelle to adopt <laugh> to adopt her baby that she was getting ready to have, Michelle came. She said, well, I think I need to talk to my husband about that

Ric Shields (03:03):

<Laugh>. I think that was a good idea, <laugh>.

Matt Makela (03:07):

And so, when she came home and said that, I'm just like, I think it's time.

Ric Shields (03:12):

Wow. Alright. In previous episodes we've spoken about the difference between open and closed adoptions. Were your adoptions all open? Were they a mix of both?

Michelle Makela (03:22):

They were. They were both. Hannah's birth mom was open. We wanted to keep that relationship open because she had a brother, which we later went on to adopt a couple of years later. And he became our oldest, bumped Hannah out of that number one slot so now she's the second child.

Ric Shields (03:42):

So, she was the first, but he was the oldest.

Michelle Makela (03:44):

Yes.

Ric Shields (03:44):

Isn't that interesting?

Michelle Makela (03:45):

And we, we wanted to have a, an open adoption. We just felt like it's better for the child. You can never have too many people to love them as long as there's a healthy relationship. We didn't put a lot of restrictions on that because God chooses us and our weakness, and so we wanted to just accept their birth mom.

(04:06):

It started out really well, and then she, she kind of lost touch with reality, and so we had to back away and that was really difficult. And she ended up dying about a year after we had adopted Jason. That was really hard for him. That was a great loss. because He had grown up with her for about five years.

Ric Shields (04:29):

What about the other two? Open or closed?

Michelle Makela (04:31):

Addison is closed. She's from China. We don't know anything about her family, but Elizabeth, our youngest, who we went through crisis pregnancy outreach, and I think you have done a podcast with Cheryl Balman. Fantastic organization. It's all about loving the birth family. But we have a fabulous relationship with Elizabeth's birth mom and her birth father. And we are so grateful. They adore her. And it's very healthy for her.

(04:58):

She, you know, kids have a lot of questions, and they wonder, and they'll make things up in their head if they don't know. And so open adoption, even though it can be very challenging, and just trying to maintain a balance can be challenging. It's really in the child's best interest usually, because then they know where the birth family is, and they feel safer. They don't, they, they just have that longing inside of them, and it's just beautiful.

Ric Shields (05:28):

You know, I'm coming to learn that this concept of open adoption, Cheryl Balman was an early adopter in this situation. And especially in the state of Oklahoma, but perhaps even throughout the United States. So, I'm more and more impressed with the ministry that she has and how that has grown over the years. So, for children all adopted, how does that affect them to know that they're all adopted and for that matter, you know, here they are all adopted a family, there's no, there was no natural childbirth for you at all. All these kids are in an adopted home. Does that seem to have any of its own difficulties?

Matt Makela (06:07):

I wouldn't necessarily say difficulties, because we rehearsed their adoption story so many times. Even our youngest, Elizabeth, she would I made them into almost like fairytale things. Like once upon a time in the great land of China, we went and got this little Chinese princess. And Elizabeth used to want to hear all the adoption stories. She'd say, now Hannah, now Jason. And she just loved to hear the stories of adoption.

(06:35):

One of, in, in the birth order. It was really a little bit unusual. We adopted Hannah, and right before she turned two, we ended up adopting her five and a half year old half-brother. And when he came into the home, it was really, the birth order really takes place. Even though <laugh>, because she was the, she was the oldest in the, in the house, and she used to boss her little, her older brother around like the oldest child. And then Addison came in and they really, she ended up taking more of the middle, even though she was the youngest for a time she took on the middle child role. I mean, it's just, there was some unusual things that happened.

Ric Shields (07:19):

Then it's confusing at your house, isn't it? I wonder how they sit at the table. What's the order that they sit at the table? Yeah. <laugh>,

Matt Makela (07:26):

Whoever gets there first, Ric.

Ric Shields (07:27):

That's what that is. I understand that.

(07:30):

Let me take a moment, Matt and Michelle, to remind our listeners that we appreciate their feedback. Let us know if we're providing the kind of content that's helpful to you by dropping me an email at info@DoorWays dot cc. And by the way, if you have an idea for a guest or for a topic, let me know. We'll work it incorporating that guest or that topic into our podcast schedule.

(07:49):

You're listening to the DoorWays Ministry Network podcast. My name is Ric Shields. The month of November is National Adoption Month, and we're focusing on adoption and some of the various opportunities and issues related to that this month.

(08:00):

I'm joined on this episode with Matt, Michelle Makela. They decided to pursue adoption to complete their family and didn't stop with one child. They not only adopted a second child, but they adopted a third and then a fourth child. I guess the question could be, number one, are you crazy? But that's not what I'm really going to ask.

(08:19):

We know that every child is unique. In your opinion, are there either genetic or environmental factors prior to adoption that you've noticed in your kids?

Matt Makela (08:30):

Well, I can just tell you that when you adopt children, you are fully aware of everything that you put into the child from your environment and what comes genetically with them. I can speak, our youngest daughter loved, she called them soup crackers. She loved to eat saltine crackers with butter on them. And her birth father, we, we actually talked to his paternal her paternal grandmother. She brought a picture. And when he was the same age, he was walking around with soup crackers in his hand.

Ric Shields (09:04):

Oh, my goodness.

Matt Makela (09:04):

Exactly the same way that she did. But yet she speaks just like her sisters, when they don't say "about to," they say, "about-oo." <laugh> They, so they, they speak the same way.

(09:16):

 One of my children, when they're sitting there with no shoes on, will fold their toes under just the way I do. So, it's like everything that you put into your children from your environment, you're fully aware of it. And you cannot blame that on genetics

Ric Shields (09:30):

<Laugh>. That's pretty interesting. Michelle, maybe you can give us some insight on that too. What are you thinking?

Michelle Makela (09:35):

It's beautiful because we have relationships with birth families. And so, we, when my child cocks her head or when walks down the, the, the sidewalk and you see her walking just like her mom, her birth mom, or when Jason or Hannah make a look and I see that face, I see their birth Mother Mary's face. It's just, it's amazing to me. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> like they can't make that up.

(10:02):

And so, there's, there is genetics at play in that. But I, I really feel like more than anything is it's true about what God, what God's word says, and that's that what you put into them, it will come out. You know, what, what goes into their heart. It's really amazing to me as we've learned about adoption through our children and, you know, practice and trial and error. The more that we just love them, the way the father does, it just creates a safety and they're way more open to be loved and to be, to be okay with being adopted.

(10:39):

Yes. One of the interesting things is our daughter from China really grieved her birth family. And it got to the point where it was almost torment. And I just cried out to the Lord, and I said, Lord, I don't even know what to do. I cannot comfort this child because it's a real loss to her. And the Holy Spirit told me to break the blood covenant and to apply his blood. And I did that. I first said, I can do that. And, and then I did what he said. And that was, there was an absolute shift in her, in, in that longing, in that real torment of missing birth family. And not that she doesn't miss them, she will always wonder about them, but there was a definite shift and I just thank God that he gave me that information in order to help her. because I would've never come up with that on my own.

Ric Shields (11:35):

And how old was she when you adopted her?

Michelle Makela (11:37):

Addy was 25 months. She was a special needs child. She had a heart issue. That conversation with the Lord took place when she was eight.

Ric Shields (11:47):

The heart issue was that resolved? Have you...

Michelle Makela (11:49):

It was, yeah. She came home and we got her right into a pediatric cardiologist and within a month her heart had been repaired with surgery. And she was able to walk and breathe.

Matt Makela (12:01):

Yes.

Ric Shields (12:01):

Wow. Is that, is that amazing?

(12:02):

You know, I'm thinking back to what we talked about earlier when we, you're talking about the things these genetic predispositions the kids have, but also those things that they pick up from being in the environment. I think of Proverbs 22:6, "Start children off in the way they should go. And when they're old, they will not turn from it."

Matt Makela (12:22):

That's right.

Ric Shields (12:23):

And that's, that's really true. Even in your situation, I think you're saying that.

Michelle Makela (12:27):

Yes, absolutely.

Ric Shields (12:28):

What about adopting older kids? Maybe they were placed into foster care and their parents lost parental rights. What about those kids? Is there a time maybe when it's possibly too late for them to be adopted?

Matt Makela (12:41):

I don't believe that it's ever too late to be adopted. There is a, seems to be a longer connection period with an older child. And that's because they have, the older they are, they have formulated more of their own thoughts. And so you're dealing with their own thoughts and perceptions about life period versus a newborn that yes, there is a trauma from not being with their actual birth mother that you deal with, but it's like they, they, under an older child, understands the rejection if they are not with their parent.

(13:17):

And so, when you take them on, you know, we have the <laugh>, we have the illusion of like, we're just going to have them in our home and, and we're going to love them and everything's going to be great. And it'll be like the, the Brady Bunch or

Ric Shields (13:32):

My three sons or whatever. All of those.

Matt Makela (13:35):

Yeah. So, we're just thinking it's going to be that way and it's not really that way. The reality is there's lots of trauma in a child's life. We had a Christian counselor told us it's not, if they have issues as an adoptive child, it's when and how bad we went into it totally blind and not understanding. Part of that was really good <laugh>. Because we were naive to it. Part of it was not so good because we were naive to it. But having the understanding that it might take a little while longer with the older child is a thing that you just need to have in the back of your mind when you're pursuing adopting an older child.

Ric Shields (14:15):

What have you learned through the adoption process has been surprising to you?

Michelle Makela (14:19):

I believe that the thing that I learned the most is that our behavior is not who we are. Our children's behavior is not who they are. And trauma sometime brings a lot of behavior that really isn't that child. And so, the more you can remind them of who they are and just love them in spite of what they're doing, just like God does with us, just continue to walk them through it and not ignore it. Talk about the elephant in the room. That's a big one. Yes. Talk about the elephant in the room. Yes. And let them know that they're not alone. I think that's huge. That it's not impossible, like adopting an older child is, it is more challenging than just most people want babies, but there's so many breakthroughs and, and you can have conversations that you, that happen earlier because they're older that is really just, just precious and special. You can see where they come from a lot quicker too. You're, you know, as you're white wiping hinnies and, and changing diapers and it takes a while before they start talking and be and able to communicate with you what they're feeling when you have an older child, it comes out pretty, pretty strong,

Matt Makela (15:34):

Pretty quick.

Michelle Makela (15:34):

And, and you know, that's a good thing.

Ric Shields (15:37):

Knowing all that you know, whether by education or experience, heartache, joy, pain, and happiness. Do you recommend adoption?

Michelle Makela (15:48):

Absolutely.

Matt Makela (15:49):

100%.

Michelle Makela (15:50):

Best thing ever.

Ric Shields (15:51):

That's pretty cool advice.

(15:52):

Knowing through everything we've gone through, we would do it over. Absolutely.

Matt Makela (15:55):

Even the heartache that we have now, and you really look at it, we know people that have natural children, that they have just the same struggles. They have the same, they're different. That's, but they still have struggles with their children. And you look at the Bible and you wonder about what did, what did s Samson's mom think? <Laugh>, what did Judas as scariest mom think? What did you I mean, their, their children are their children were children that had issues. And so, no one's immune from the issues. And so, if you were thinking that adoption was going to, was going to have more issues than a natural child, I think that you're mistaken.

Ric Shields (16:34):

I'm proud of you guys. I really am. Thank you for opening your hearts to love on kids who just, that's what they really need. They need somebody to love them. Somebody to accept them and to help them in their days ahead.

(16:48):

As we draw our time to a close, I wonder if you have any special words of encouragement that you'd like to share with our listeners as it relates to adoption? And then if you would be so kind, please pray for those adoptive parents who are facing challenges and need guidance for the days ahead.

Matt Makela (17:04):

I would just say that I remember, I was thinking about this when we were talking about doing the podcast, and I remember Children's Medical Center that's no longer even in existence, but I remember sitting in a meeting room at Children's Medical Center going through an adoption seminar, which they still have adoption seminars all around the world, everywhere. You could probably go to one on YouTube or anywhere online that if you're considering adoption, just be informed and just gain as much wisdom and knowledge as you can before going into it.

(17:39):

And there's people like Michelle and I are out there who'd be more than happy to answer questions, tell you the full story of the heartache if you want to listen to it. And we can tell you the full stories of all the joy that we've experienced along the way. So, it's just for me, if I was going to say anything is like adoption is really no different than having a natural child and the fact that you just have a child to love.

Michelle Makela (18:03):

Absolutely. And, and I do want to pray. I want to just say, Lord, I thank you for the people that are considering adoption. Yes. because we were all adopted by you. Yes. And Father, you are amazing, and you call us, and you equip us, and you bring just the right children into the home. Lord, it's amazing how you bring the children that we need and that need us and together create a beautiful family. So, Lord, I thank you for your wisdom on adoption, and I just bless those that are considering it in Jesus' name. Amen.

Ric Shields (18:39):

I'd like to say thanks again for listening, and I hope you found this podcast to be helpful for you, for a friend, or for someone you love. Please feel free to share it with others. If you'd like for someone to pray for you, drop me a note at info@DoorWays dot cc. I'll pray for you, and I'll share your note with others who will pray and believe for God to work on your behalf.

(19:01):

Until next time, I hope you'll sense the presence of the Father, the love of Jesus, and the grace of the Holy Spirit in your heart, your home, and in your spheres of relationship and influence in the days ahead. Amen.